bloom to love

i want to be like a tree.
i want to grow.
but like a tree.
to be fully surrendered to the growth.
it happens naturally.
it’s a part of the design.
i’ll only truly growth with You as the vine.
i am Your branch…
oh how i long to bear fruit.
it’s in this time of pruning…
it feels a lot like poop.
Lord help me embrace the pain.
growing always hurts.
to suffer for Your name’s sake.
that’s what i want to do.
to ask whatever i wish and it be given to me.
help me Lord to ask and believe.
to seek and find.
to live and abide.
to be like a tree.
that’s how i long to be.

.love like you’ve never been hurt. but how if you’ve been hurt? pretend like you’ve never felt your heart rip into a million pieces? no. it was real. in fact, you have the gaping wound to prove it. what if…just what if…we accept the fact that our trust has been betrayed. what if we accept the hurt and pain we’ve experienced. what if we accept our fears of being hurt again. what if we take the bandage off of our wounded heart and allow the Physician to bring healing from the inside out. what if we allowed Him to love on us. in us. through us. love like you’ve never been hurt?  nah. why not love from a place we would have never known had we not have experienced that hurt. it’s deeper. it’s wider. it’s fuller. it’s stronger. yeah. i want a love like that.

.every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. -James 1:17

it’s so good. it’s so perfect. it’s from You. because You love. it’s who You are. You never change. You’re good. You sing and dance over me. i’ll never understand why. but i’ll simply say thank you. thank you. thank you.

my mind is racing. it won’t be still.

anticipating the fall that kills.

this joy You’ve placed inside my soul,

i’ve locked it up and it won’t grow.

in fact it’s dying as once before,

i’m scared of allowing it to my core.

my head knows it’s safe to let my heart feel,

but my heart is covered sometimes with steel.

i give up to easily, i give in to the lies,

“you’re all bound up and will never fly.”

I need You to cut the rope holding me down.

You’ve done it before, but I wrap it back around.

Trust is the word You whisper to my heart,

i hear it on surface, but need it in the deepest parts.

melt the iron gate that i open and close.

met it down and under my toes.

let it seep into the dirt,

i’ll stand upon and no longer hurt.

come through my heart and press restart.

reveal Your stride, each and every part.

reboot the rhythm and set the pace.

side by side we’ll run this race 🙂

Kenya, Africa

July 7 – July 22, 2009

.the journey begins.

from the very beginning of the trip, including getting our flights in chaotic “order”, His hand was in, over, and throughout every intricate detail. after arriving at McGee-Tyson Airport at 8am to check our luggage, we were asked if we had a Visa for Ghana since we were to have a 36 hr lay-over in the city. our response to that, of course, was no. we were unaware of needing a Visa b/c we were only in transit to await our flight to Nairobi (not to mention the fact that our flight schedule had been changed 3 times in the past 2 weeks and we were honestly just glad to have our flights scheduled and “in stone” a week before we headed across the world to a country to which none of us had ever travelled). much to our surprise, we were told that unlike Kenya (where we could receive our Visa upon arrival), there was a 48hr pre-approval requirement to obtain a Visa for Ghana. too bad we were to land at the Ghana International Airport in less than 24 hours. thank God, however, the lady with Delta that was helping us figure everything out, started making phone calls and had our flights rebooked to make it so we would only have a 12hr lay-over in Ghana, and therefore, be able to land and get off the plane without headache. not to mention, we’d be arriving in Kenya a day early. thank God for iPhones at this point, because i had to send Denise an email to let her know that we were going to be arriving in Nairobi a day earlier than expected. things were looking good 🙂

while on the first flight from Knoxville to Detroit, i kept feeling the urge to read Psalm 91. because i had come to find that when the Lord lays something heavy on my heart, i should probably obey without hesitation, i opened my bible to Psalm 91 and began to read…only to be stumped, amazed, taken back, and thankful to read the very first verse. Psalm 91 states, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” you see, a week or so before the trip, i began to notice shadows as i went for my walks/runs in the park…it was kinda strange b/c the shadows of the trees, branches, birds flying overhead, flowers, weeds, etc began to really stick out to me. i wasn’t sure the reason at the time, but in asking God why i was noticing all these shadows, He told me that even though i may not always tangibly feel Him there, He’s still there in the shadows…still shading me and protecting me from the scorching sun…still ever present and guiding. Not to mention, i had noticed that i had been looking at the clock at 9:11 several times in the past few weeks leading up but wasn’t sure the exact reason just yet. and the fact that a week before leaving for Africa, while making a journal for my friend jenny, i was told by another friend, ashley, to find a cut-out of a bird and use the her favorite verse of Psalm 91:4. upon opening my bible to read the verse, a picture of a bird was marking that exact page…a piece that i had torn out of the Metro Pulse about 3 months prior and just stuck ‘randomly’ in my bible. when i pulled the “bookmark” of the bird out, ashley and i just laughed and sat in awe of how awesome God is. of course i would already have a picture of a bird cut out and placed in my bible to mark the exact page of the verse to which Ashley was referring. 🙂 anyway, all that to say, everything was fitting together that God really wanted me to know Psalm 91 to the core.

On our 2nd flight from Detriot to NYC, i had a seat next to a woman from Barbados whose name was Mavis. we started talking right away, and i loved hearing her share her stories about how the Lord had healed her 3 different times and how in the process, several people around her and the situations came to know the True Savior. i’ll hopefully remember to share her stories more in depth soon. she began to encourage me about my time in Kenya and stated that i needed to know that, “no illness or disease will come nigh thy dwelling.” after saying it a few times, (i guess she could tell by the confused look on my face that i didn’t really understand) she explained that “nigh thy dwelling” meant that no illness or disease would come into me or near me…that i was protected. although i didn’t realize it at the time, Mavis’ words brought sooo much comfort to me several times throughout the trip. it wasn’t until i was back in the states and reading Psalm 91 more in depth, that i noticed that Psalm 91:10 in the King James translation states, “There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.” wow…God is surely good 🙂 there again i can all the more say with confidence…no such thing as “random”.

while on the same flight, our plane was deterred to Pennsylvania d/t weather and after arriving in PA developing a maintenance issue in the cockpit, we ended up missing our flight from JFK to Ghana and had to be rebooked for the next day at 5pm to fly out. so much for arriving in Kenya a day early. again, thank God for iPhones at this point b/c i had to email Denise and hope and pray she would get my message that we would not be in Nairobi 24hrs ealier, and would instead land as planned from the beginning. after sitting on the floor in the JFK airport completely exhausted, we finally decided to get a hotel for the night and ended up extremely thankful b/c our beds in the hotel were the most comfortable beds any of us had ever slept on in our lives 🙂

we got on our flight as scheduled the next day and arrived in Ghana on time to endure our 12 hr lay over in the unairconditioned international airport where we slept in shifts on hard plastic chairs that made us appreciate the hotel beds the nite before all the more! (we later found out that President Obama was to arrive at that exact airport within the next 12-24 hours. too bad we missed him.) we made it on our flight into Nairobi and landed right on time…i can’t even begin to describe how relieved i felt when i saw Denise and William’s smiling faces standing outside the airport. thank God they had received my emails about all the crazy changes in our flight schedule, right? well, let’s just say, thank God our flight from NY to Ghana was missed and pushed back a day to get us in Nairobi as scheduled from the beginning. Emails from the US to Africa apparently don’t exactly travel as fast as they do from state to state. all that aside, we had arrived. we were safe.

to be continued…

i can almost hear the sound. i can almost breathe the air.

i can almost see the children. i can almost feel the love they share.

i can almost touch their hands. i can almost see their eyes.

i can almost know their stories. i can almost feel them cry.

i can almost dance their dance. i can almost hear their hearts.

i can almost see their stars. i can almost soak in every part.

i can almost feel You move. I can almost taste the joy.

i can almost feel Your heart for every single girl and boy.

You know them by name. they are each fearfully and wonderfully made.

 You stir something inside like a boiling hot flame.

Move me out of the way Oh God. Move me more to the side.

Be in my every cell. Be in my every breath. Be my only Guide.

show me more and more how to love how you love.

as strong as an ox, as pure as a dove.

my heart is ready for the time has come.

my only desire is “Your will be done.”

You’ve prepared me in ways that i don’t even know.

help me, oh God, to scatter the seed that You’ve sown.

i cannot even begin to imagine what You have in store.

thank You for Your provision and for opening the door.

oh Lord, I’m so ready to go.

for i want so badly for the world to know.

fear out. hope and love abound.

more and more in the African sound.

i’m ready to escape. but not this life You’re calling me to.

i’m ready to escape. this world.

i’m ready to escape. the things that hold me back and hold me down.

i’m ready to escape. the place i find myself and the heaviness i carry on my shoulders.

i’m ready to escape. this feeling of needing to explain myself.

i’m ready to escape. the forgotten and old. rotten and cold.

i’m ready to escape. to the new.

i’m ready to escape. to what You want to show me.

i’m ready to escape. but ready to be here.

i’m ready to escape. into You and all that You are.

i’m ready. please take me. show me. lead me. fill me. empty me. use me.

i’m ready to escape. deeper. still.

last nite some things really hit home…

after listening to Doug Banister (our Pastor at All Souls Church) make clear the Truth in Luke 4:1-13, i was in complete enlightenment as to what is going on in my life righ now. i won’t go into detail about myself, but let’s just say a whole TON of changes are going on in my life…all of which are good because i’m in full dependence and surrender to the Lord…

one ot the many things i struggle with is being afraid i’m not truly hearing Him and only moving out of my own will…beacuse of this, i am often very slow to realize i’ve been striving to make things “right” and living in disobedience to the One who is trying His hardest to move me. He, however, is faithful to remind me that i hear and know His voice. especially after being told i was “listening and hearing satan speak” not too many years ago…God has made His voice so so so clear to me now. When it’s Him speaking, i know it’s Him. 

well, this morning i wake up at 7:17 (God and I have this thing with numbers…He speaks a lot through numbers to me…not sure how He speaks to you as an individual…) but anyways, since it takes me a while to realize…oh wait, i’ve been seeing 7:17 for like the past week, every single day. what are you trying to show me God? well, in Romans 7:17, Paul is speaking of the law and sin and how he doesn’t “understand his own actions. for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate…so now it is no longer i who do it, but sin that dwells within me. for i know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, my flesh. for i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. for i do not do the good i want, but the evil i do not want is what i keep on doing.” -Romans 7:15,17-19…story of my life.

now going back to Luke 4:1-3, Jesus is being tempted by the devil after spending 40 days in the wilderness. Doug points out that no mission is ever fulfilled without resistance; even the first adversary Jesus faces is temptation. Satan tries to get Him when He’s at the lowest point in His life…completely broken, starving to death, fatigued beyond definition. Here, however, Jesus is being prepared for His life mission…He’s in a place of weariness, temptation, and trial. in the same way, the Lord uses these times in our own lives to set the foundation in place for our life mission…which brings me to a place of rest in not resisting this chiseling and refining process.

Lord, help me not resist. the deepest longing of my heart is to be wholy and fully Yours 100%.

but yet, i am an idolater. i look to others for significance, approval, and acceptance. wanna know the irony in that? i live in self-protection mode. i rely on these walls i have built up aroud me instead of trusting God to protect me. i compare myself to others and think i must not be good enough.

but first, as Doug said last nite, I must know that I am His beloved…I am His and He is mine. i am filled with the Spirit and led by Him and have full access to living in His power. that’s where i am going to overcome this life i live in the law. this life of slavery to myself…to self-protection and insecurity. this life i live of desiring to be fully alive and vulnerable to living and pouring out; this life i live of desiring to be fully secure in who i am and who He has made me to be; this life i live of desiring to live in the reality of my liberty…it can and will be lived with the power of the Holy Spirit that dwells in me, because “it the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” -Romans 8: 11

therefore, cling to the truth that, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” -1 Corinthians 10:13….

“Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.” -1 Corinthians 10:14

Shalom.

i’m scared to share my passions.

because i’m scared you’ll tell me they aren’t mine.

i’m scared to share my heart.

because you’ll say that mine is blind.

i’m scared to share my joy.

because you’ll take it as you please.

i’m scared to share my soul.

because you’ll stomp it like a crunchy autumn leaf.

but you see, He sees my fear and all my filthy shame.

He knows my heart like He knows the fresh spring rain.

You tell me that my desires become Yours.

You are safe. You are Christ. the Love of my life.

You are my hiding place.

You are my light. and a light within me to share.

You ignite my bones and ensure my dreams because You care.

You pursue my heart and every speck of my being.

I love you Lord and the Peace that you bring.

It pierces me deep and satisfies me clean.

Thank you Lord for giving me such a song to sing.

The picture is perfect although the path not always so clear.

You’re like the strum of a song that my ears can more than hear.

It’s this game of hop-scotch, and You are holding my hand.

You are the Healer. You are the Plan.

You are the beam that keeps me from crashing down.

You are the beat of my heart…

oh Lord, i want to live in that sound.